Saturday, December 15, 2012

Best Beer Commercial - Ever

My wife said something to me in complete seriousness and it resulted in me thinking of a really good--probably the best--beer commercial aimed at the male population.

Scene setting: Open on a living room setting.  Sports game is on the large flat screen tv.  A woman is approaching the back of the couch with an enthusiastic male sitting on one side of the couch.  As the camera draws near the side of the male, he turns to look up into the camera.

Woman: Here's your chips and Beer [insert favorite beer], dear.

Guy: Thanks, babe.

Guy looks around for something to open the bottle, but does not have anything.  He looks back at the woman.

Woman: Do you want to use my bra to open it?

Guy beams up at woman as he reaches the bottle over to use the bra she is wearing.

Guy: I love you!

End scene.

This is what led to me having this completely male-oriented beer commercial:
I was sitting on the couch folding the first half of paper cranes for Jessica.  She went into the kitchen to get something to drink and asked if I wanted anything.  I said I was up for something, but not water or coke.  She came back in with a fancy root beer that comes in a bottle with a supposedly twist top.  Jessica asked if I need a bottle opener, but then noticed that the top had an arrow telling the drinker which way to twist.  I usually use something when I twist the tops off.  Jessica suggested her sports bra that was in the basket with folded laundry.  Her exact words were "Why don't you use my bra?" pointing to the sports bra.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I spent this Memorial Day as my day off for the month of May.  Odd because I’m in Afghanistan and you usually don’t get a day off in a warzone.  My boss instituted a department policy that we get one day off a month.  It is a rest and relax day—from the 15-18 hours we put in.  This generally doesn’t happen for every unit here.  But we’re in Kabul and have a little more freedom than other places. 

The reason I choose this day is because it was the best day for May that I had.  Early in the month wouldn’t work because of other commitments. 

My plan for the day was simple: take my EWS test, PT, and talk to my wife.  I don’t think I realized fully that today was Memorial Day until a couple of days ago when I received an email as a reminder for the service at 1030. 

Every week we have a memorial service for the past week’s fallen.  Each country to lose someone will read out the name and unit of the fallen.  I attend every week.  It is the least I can do.  I’m not on the front line like they are.  It is a way to ensure that we, at HQ, do not forget the human loss extracted from our countries. 

Today, we recognized an American day of remembrance and invited any and all of our coalition members to attend.  It was fairly well attended.  No names were read off, but General Allen gave the number of the fallen Americans, Coalition members, and Afghans who have died in this war since he took command last year. 

My usual Memorial Day plan is to enjoy the day off, have a good time, live life, and general not acknowledge the cost of war.  Not the way I have since arriving in Kabul.  I don’t doubt that I’ll revert back to my normal behavior when I get back, but I’d like to think I’ll always keep these weekly services in my mind and that when Memorial Day does come around I’ll do something in remembrance.  

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Darlin . . . While I'm away.


I'm only going to be gone a short while. I'll be back before you know it.

I'll be back right when you've learned to sleep without me. You’ll be starfishing in the center of our bed when I get back. You’ll have resigned yourself to the dog sleeping on my pillow even though you've tried to stop him—that’s when I’ll be on my way back. I’ll be back when you’ve learned to check all the doors before turning off all the lights and leaving a few dishes in the sink for the next day.  And I'll be back right when you can stop having someone mow the weeds in the back.

I'll be back soon. Right after your birthday, before Thanksgiving and Christmas. Before the switch to Woodlands and soon after school starts up.

We'll be back to our habits. We’ll be doing those small, frequent physical touches every few minutes. We’ll be watching the Little Couple, Dirty Jobs, and Mythbusters while surfing the web, throwing the ball for Joey, and discussing our day. We'll be back to you watching one of your train wreck shows while I do the dishes (acting like I’m not interested in the show), and me playing PS3 games and you cooking wonderful dinners (while you follow the plot of the game).

But I know you're worried about the next six months. I won't lie and tell you I'll be 100% safe. I'll do my best to stay out of trouble. I don’t lend myself to foolish or impulsive decisions. I’ll be back and with you soon.

You'll worry about me. I can't stop you. And everything will be harder by the small things that come up while I’m gone. The batteries in the smoke detectors should be good—we just replaced them all. These small things make it harder.

I can’t stop you from worrying, but, maybe, I can help you with some of the small problems. I have a list of things I want you to remember, things that I hope will help you while I'm gone. They are things I'm worried about.
  • When you are tired it is okay to take a nap. But not too long because you'll never to get sleep at a decent hour and tomorrow will suck even more. 
    • It is perfectly okay to sleep on the floor at work.
  • When you are frustrated at the chores and feeling like they will swallow you whole, take Joey for a short walk. When you get back the chores will still be there, but Joey will be happy and you’ll feel better for getting outside with him.
    • I recommend putting music on full blast and rocking out to Sarah Brightman while doing the dishes or whatever chore is easiest. 
    • You'll probably need to move to Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood for the filing.
  • When you are not hungry and haven't eaten all day, call one of the many friends you have and invite them over for dinner. I don’t know anyone who honestly doesn’t like your cooking. 
    • Eating alone sucks, but starving your body doesn't do any good either.
  • When the battery dies in the smoke detector, after you stop screaming and crying, get the dog and leave the house. Call the XO, the SJA, Tasha and Matt, Cecilia and Tommy, or any number of our friends with someone tall enough to change the battery. Someone will help you. Our neighbors will help.
    • Please do not stack the step ladder onto a coffee table and do it yourself. 
    • Do not attack the detector with a broom or any other stick. We’d have to pay for the damage
    • However, if you do any of those things, please record it--we could send it to AVF if it is funny enough. 
  • When you don't think you can go to work . . . you'll still go to work. Your work ethic wouldn't allow you not to.
  • When the day starts too early and you can't go back to sleep, read a good book.
  • When the day ends too late and you can't get to sleep, read a good book.  And call in sick if you haven't slept at all.
  • When you find time on your hands, go take some pictures.
  • When the dog is being a pain in the butt, don't throw the ball. Go to the library and browse the shelves.
    • Throwing the ball will not help. He’ll just bring it back and want you to do it again. It never stops.
    • But he doesn’t seem to bring the ball to you as often as he wants to just be pet. 
  • When it seems too tough to keep up a strong front and you can't stop from crying, go ahead and cry. 
    • Cuddle the dog, blow your nose (not in his fur), take some headache medicine, and watch a good chick flick. 
    • Pride and Prejudice, When Harry Met Sally, Valentine’s Day, and Pretty Woman are good choices.
  • When the night is dark and making noises, just keep thinking "I am the baddest beast in the dark! The Night should be afraid of ME!"
  • When you miss me so much that it hurts, remember that I miss you and I love you with all of my heart.
I worry about you being without me. I worry about the problems that will happen while I'm away. I know there will be problems, like the light bulbs and smoke detectors. I know you are strong, determined, and independent. But I still worry.

When I’m having a hard time, I'll put on some Brad Paisley and think about time well wasted. Then I'll get back to it.

I love you.

Now, blow your nose and take those headache meds.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Getting into the Fight

I am going to Afghanistan--getting into the Fight.

At 0715 Friday morning in early February, a clerk handed me a note from my boss: "Call me at home."  Okay, strange.  He'd be in soon--why not talk in person, I asked myself.  But, he's the boss, so I called him.

Here is our conversation:

Me:  "Good morning, sir.  What's up?"  Waiting for my computer to finish loading.

Boss:  "Izac, you need to talk to Jessica."

Me:  "Okay."  (That sounds ominous.)

Boss:  "You still good about deploying?"

Me:  "Yes, sir."  (Uh...)

Boss:  "Okay, talk to Jessica.  I'll talk to you and Sam when I get in."

Let the roller coaster begin.  In 21 days I learned the meaning of "expeditionary" and that a lot of preparation is needed.

Training, training, annual training, and more training.  And gear issue.  Orders, travel orders, verbal orders, force of will to make things happen.

One day, my minion  and I were preparing to take on a complicated and interesting case from another office.  My office had a small case load, so we could take another case and spend plenty of time on it.

The next, I'm working up for a deployment.  2 months to boots on the ground and half that time would be spent traveling to and training in Virginia and Okinawa.  I had 21 days to essentially prepare for a deployment.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

New section

I created a new section on my blog.  Right now I've titled it Fiction: Emry.  It is a part of a story I started.  I haven't finished it, but I figured if I put it out there, then I could have people read it and tell me what they think.  I plan to keep at it, but it won't be fast.

I will probably also include other stories that I have in development, when I have time.